Don't Ask Don't Tell (film)
| Don't Ask Don't Tell | |
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| Directed by | Doug Miles |
| Produced by | Jackie Eagan |
| Written by | Tex Hauser |
| Starring |
Lloyd Floyd Erik Frandsen (voice) Martin Friedrichs Peter Graves Steve Lippe Michael McCurry Greg Roman Rosa Rugosa (voice) Johanna Saum |
| Music by | Bruce Engler, Spencer Miles, Raj Haldar, The Sophisticuffs, Curmudgeon Boy, Left Field, Frenchy Burrito. |
| Cinematography | George Gibson |
| Edited by | Jackie Eagan |
| Distributed by | Lifesize Entertainment |
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Release date
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Running time
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80 minutes |
| Country | United States |
| Language | English |
Don't Ask Don't Tell is a 2002 parody film directed by Doug Miles and written by famed gay screen writer Tex Hauser. The 2002 winner of the Boston Underground Film Festival (BUFF) Bachus Award, The Neuchatel Sci-Fi Fest Audience Choice Award, and much critical acclaim for its razor sharp, if quite demented social satire, it was created by taking an old sci-fi movie — Killers from Space — overdubbing the soundtrack with humorous dialogue, and adding some new scenes, essentially turning it into an entirely different movie. The plot involves alien invaders with a machine that turns straight people gay.
Scientist Doug Fartin (who insists that his name is pronounced “Far-tan”) is in charge of Operation Manhole, a project to eliminate all homosexuals in the military by luring them to a specific spot and then dropping a bomb on them. The bomb, however, misses its target and instead obliterates part of the nearby town of Inbred, Texas. The plane is then struck by an invisible force and crashes to earth, and its occupants – Dr. Fartin and the pilot – are presumed dead.
Fartin, however, was saved from the plane by extraterrestrials with bulging eyeballs, who then performed an operation on him. Fartin wanders back to the military base the next day, with no memory of how he survived the plane crash, and is beginning to exhibit stereotypically gay behavior (e.g., he keeps using the word “fabulous”).
Base commander Colonel Butz and surgeon Major Problemo talk to Doug’s wife, Vagina, about her husband’s new behavior; if she can’t turn him back into “a real man,” he’ll be included in the next bombing. She tries her best to sexually arouse him, but he can only have sex with her while imagining that she’s Ted Kennedy.
The next day, Doug Fartin – whose security clearance has been revoked because of his new gayness – steals a piece of paper from a vault in Butz’s office. Upon hearing of this, FBI agent Priggs tries to figure out what was stolen, which isn’t easy because the vault is highly disorganized and mostly filled with take-out menus. Priggs discovers a handful of marijuana on the floor in front of the vault, and immediately recognizes it as part of Fartin’s stash.
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